ONE FALL, NO DISQUALIFICATIONS

9.10.2008

Vince McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club



“Following the collapse of the WCW/ECW Alliance at Survivor Series 2001, Mr. McMahon created the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club, which consisted of various WWE individuals being ordered to kiss his ass in the middle of the ring, usually with the threat of suspension or firing if they refuse” - Wikipedia.

I can’t even begin to say all that should be said about both this concept and this list. Read it and then let’s talk.

# Member Reason
1 William Regal
Regal became the first member as a condition of being rehired by the WWF, having betrayed the Federation to join The Alliance.

2 Stone Cold Steve Austin
Austin was the second Alliance member Vince had wanted to kiss his ass, but Austin instead hit a lowblow on McMahon with his pants pulled down.

3 Jim Ross
Austin's refusal to join the club prompted uproarious laughter from Ross at ringside. Noticed by McMahon and Kurt Angle, he was forced to take Austin's place, following an unexpected beatdown from The Undertaker.

4 Trish Stratus
For betraying him at WrestleMania X-Seven, McMahon ordered her to go through with it before being saved by The Rock.

5 Zach Gowen
During his feud with Gowen, McMahon ordered him to participate in order to gain a contract with WWE.

6 Marty Jannetty
In the midst of McMahon's ongoing feud with Shawn Michaels, Jannetty was in-line to join the club in order to remain in WWE. However, McMahon relented and forced Jannetty to break Chris Masters' Masterlock in order to remain in WWE. Jannetty failed and soon exited WWE.[37] This was also the first "Kiss My Ass" segment in which McMahon wore a thong instead of pulling his underwear completely down.

7 Shawn Michaels
Following Jannetty's failure to participate, Shawn Michaels became a member of the club after he was knocked unconscious by Shane McMahon.[37]

8 Shane McMahon
During his match against Michaels at WrestleMania 22, McMahon dropped his trousers as Shane prepared to thrust Michaels' face into his father's ass again. However, Michaels overpowered Shane and shoved his face into Vince's ass instead.[38]

9 Triple H
Shane McMahon tried doping HHH, but HHH switched water bottles, making Shane pass out after HHH pretended to pass out. HHH then proceeded to hit the The Pedigree on Vince while Vince's pants were still pulled down.[39]

10 Mick Foley
Foley became the second person (after Regal) to join the club voluntarily, on the grounds that it would save Melina's job. However, after participating, Melina promptly betrayed Foley and he was fired by McMahon.[40]

11 Hornswoggle
As punishment for skirting the Royal Rumble match, Mr. McMahon wanted his alleged bastard son Hornswoggle to join the Kiss My Ass Club. When it came time for him to pucker up, Finlay interrupted. After much yelling from Mr. McMahon, Hornswoggle finally leaned in and bit his freshly buffed buttocks. Mr McMahon later stated, even though Hornswoggle bit his ass, his lips still came into contact with it. Therefore, he officially became a member of the Kiss My Ass Club.

Ok, now let’s go through this step by step:

# Member Reason
1 William Regal
Regal became the first member as a condition of being rehired by the WWF, having betrayed the Federation to join The Alliance

First of all, hats off to Vince McMahon for 1) insisting people kiss his ass, and 2) deciding such an action was worthy of club status. Also, good call on inducting Regal first. Back in WCW, he kissed Goldberg’s ass (in a manner of speaking) on the latter’s way to the top, so solid callback, writing staff. Wrestling is truly at its best when it’s literalizing a metaphor.

2 Stone Cold Steve Austin
Austin was the second Alliance member Vince had wanted to kiss his ass, but Austin instead hit a lowblow on McMahon with his pants pulled down.

Initial impression - Vince is clearly incapable of distinguishing the shticks of William Regal and Steve Austin. Or else he’s very trusting. But given that Stone Cold probably follows his wife’s goodnight kiss with a lowblow and stunner, I’d call Vince’s actions na├»ve at best. Out of character, or a rare humanizing moment for McMahon? I’m not sure.

3 Jim Ross
Austin's refusal to join the club prompted uproarious laughter from Ross at ringside. Noticed by McMahon and Kurt Angle, he was forced to take Austin's place, following an unexpected beatdown from The Undertaker.

Vince is a quick learner. Jim Ross is not Stone Cold. He will probably kiss your ass. History shows he did. More on this later.

4 Trish Stratus
For betraying him at WrestleMania X-Seven, McMahon ordered her to go through with it before being saved by The Rock.

At this point it becomes clear that McMahon is nervous that this gimmick is quickly becoming pretty gay. Thankfully that subtext is put to rest by having a muscle-laden man interpose himself between McMahon and a woman. Crisis solved. Let’s move on.

Quibbling point but worth making. Vince clearly fails to understand that if people don’t actually go through with kissing your ass, it’s sort of bullshit to induct them into the Kiss My Ass Club. By what measure are Stone Cold and Trish Stratus members? That they were invited to do so? Was it their relative physical proximity to Vince’s ass? Where’s the bright-line on this? Reductio ad absurdum, we’re all kissing Vince’s ass to some degree. Frankly, that’s genius, but I still expect some tighter apagogical shit from the WWE writing room.

5 Zach Gowen
During his feud with Gowen, McMahon ordered him to participate in order to gain a contract with WWE.

With the induction of Zach Gowen, two of the four members of this club are physically disabled. What might be construed as a civil rights victory goes entirely unnoticed by the public at large. In fact, there’s a 25% chance that – if you’re a member of the Kiss My Ass Club – you can’t move your face. I’ve been to the mountaintop and it looks remarkably like Vince McMahon’s ass cheek.

6 Marty Jannetty
In the midst of McMahon's ongoing feud with Shawn Michaels, Jannetty was in-line to join the club in order to remain in WWE. However, McMahon relented and forced Jannetty to break Chris Masters' Masterlock in order to remain in WWE. Jannetty failed and soon exited WWE. This was also the first "Kiss My Ass" segment in which McMahon wore a thong instead of pulling his underwear completely down.

Locker Room, 1994:
Shawn Michaels: I don’t know dude. If we want to win the title, maybe we should just kiss McMahon’s ass. Figuratively, I mean. Not literally. Just a metaphor.

Marty Jannetty: No way, bra – we are this close to taking the belt from the Hart Connection! We do this our way!

Shawn Michaels: ‘K…(shuffles some papers)

Marty Jannetty: Bra, you’re not gonna kiss his ass behind my back are you?

Shawn Michaels: Nah…


Raw, 2006
Audience: Just kiss his ass dude! Get the contract! Provide for your family!

Marty Jannetty: Won’t do it!


Now
http://www.google.com/trends?q=marty+jannetty%2C+shawn+michaels


7 Shawn Michaels
Following Jannetty's failure to participate, Shawn Michaels became a member of the club after he was knocked unconscious by Shane McMahon

Now
www.martyjannetty.net. 4759 hits and counting.

By the way, what’s with the thong? In my brain, Vince McMahon wakes up each morning, looks in a mirror (I imagine every surface in the McMahon household is a mirror) and sings to the dawn: “Today, I get my ass kissed.” What changed all that? HDTV? Possibly. A certain squeamishness about potentially spreading Butt Bell’s Palsy? Maybe. Either way, I consider this a low point in club history.

8 Shane McMahon
During his match against Michaels at WrestleMania 22, McMahon dropped his trousers as Shane prepared to thrust Michaels' face into his father's ass again. However, Michaels overpowered Shane and shoved his face into Vince's ass instead.[38]

The less said about this the better. Watch it for yourself. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5n-soULenZ0) The man has his face in his father’s ass for a good 5 seconds. Consider your father's ass. Seriously, think about it. Now consider being in it. I can’t figure which is worse: that there is a human being in existence who pitched this idea to the McMahons (his father’s ass!), or that the McMahons came up with this themselves. Equally frightening question: the extent of psychic trauma this caused Shane McMahon, or the fact that it caused him no trauma at all?

9 Triple H
Shane McMahon tried doping HHH, but HHH switched water bottles, making Shane pass out after HHH pretended to pass out. HHH then proceeded to hit the The Pedigree on Vince while Vince's pants were still pulled down.

Very Romeo and Juliet, which – if memory serves – ends with the Duke hitting the Friar with a 619. Obviously, the KSMAC angle has run its course at this point. Which must mean-

10 Mick Foley
Foley became the second person (after Regal) to join the club voluntarily, on the grounds that it would save Melina's job. However, after participating, Melina promptly betrayed Foley and he was fired by McMahon.[40]

-it’s time for Mick Foley to continue his bit of taking things too far.

11 Hornswoggle
As punishment for skirting the Royal Rumble match, Mr. McMahon wanted his alleged bastard son Hornswoggle to join the Kiss My Ass Club. When it came time for him to pucker up, Finlay interrupted. After much yelling from Mr. McMahon, Hornswoggle finally leaned in and bit his freshly buffed buttocks. Mr McMahon later stated, even though Hornswoggle bit his ass, his lips still came into contact with it. Therefore, he officially became a member of the Kiss My Ass Club.[41]

The technicality here is fantastic. Wrestling knows no pyrrhic victories, and if you can get a midget dressed as a leprechaun who may or may not be your bastard son to bite you in the ass, you, my friend, have won. Technically.



Again, we could be here all day with this topic, so forgive me for tapping out. For the record, the Kiss My Ass Club was officially closed when McMahon kissed Rikishi’s butt. How that ends anything is beyond me.

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